Experts believe support for a divorcing or newly divorced individual is important and welcome. At the same time, concerned outsiders have to be careful to offer useful help without judgment. A person going through divorce can feel extreme emotions. Supporters do not need to provide answers or feel obligated to assign blame. A supporter's time can be better spent by listening than trying to curb tears or anger.
]]> The gift of time is valuable. A divorced person's life patterns are frequently thrown out of kilter. Suddenly, dishes pile up, meals are uncooked, shopping is neglected and lawns go unmowed. Supporters fill these gaps by taking some of the daily burdens from a friend's shoulders. Encouraging regular routines like workouts, good eating habits and adequate rest periods keeps a troubled friend healthy.A parent going through divorce can feel doubly overwhelmed. Roller-coaster feelings and parenthood have a difficult time coexisting. A friend who offers to baby-sit or shuttle kids to school or sports activities provides a needed service.
Holiday times are often hard for divorced individuals. Former married traditions are broken and families can seem displaced. Putting out the welcome mat to divorced friends and their children for holiday meals can help dispel lonely or sad feelings connected with the past.
Offering sources of information are appreciated by someone who has no idea where to turn. Divorce cannot happen without professional help. A supporter can recommend or help gather names of reputable attorneys, mediators, real estate agents and therapists.
Advisors agree that practical help and time spent listening without judgment are the most useful gifts a friend can give to someone during divorce.
Source: The Huffington Post, "What Do Divorcing Women Want And Need?" Paula H. Noe, Betsy Ross, May 9, 2012
]]>Almost half of divorce lawyers across the country say they've seen a significant increase in the number of women paying alimony to their ex-husbands over the past three years, according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. And 56 percent of attorneys say they've witnessed a rise in mothers paying child support.
]]> In theory, this change could be seen as a victory for women, not only because it reflects an evolution in the workforce, but also because women are taking over many of the financial responsibilities at home. But in practice, of course, many women aren't happy about it. Nor were their male counterparts about making monthly payments to their ex-wives for so many decades.The president-elect of the AAML, who calls the evidence behind the survey a sea change, recalls only six women in his graduating law school class of 135 back in the early 1970s. Since then the number of women getting law degrees has doubled. The statistics are similar in the medical community; the number of men and women obtaining medical degrees is about equal now, compared to 1980, when only about a third as many women were graduating with them.
The increase in women paying child support isn't just about their earning more money; it also means more husbands are being awarded child custody, for any number of reasons. Another marked change in family law over the past few decades has come in equitable distribution of property, something that didn't exist when the AAML's president-elect was first practicing.
Whether you love or hate these developments probably has something to do with your gender. But just as you might say about your divorce, sometimes change is a good thing, even when it hurts.
Source: Reuters, "Divorce courts mirror society as more women pay alimony," Patricia Reaney, May 10, 2012
]]>The woman and her partner started their family at a time when lesbian parents had fewer legal rights in Colorado. When they adopted two biological sisters back in 2006, state adoption laws didn't allow a child to have two gay parents, so each woman became the legal mother of one girl. The relationship ended in 2009 and one of the women hired an attorney to represent her. Suddenly, without warning, her partner fled to Norway with her legal daughter.
]]> Worried she would never see her other daughter again, the woman in Colorado and her attorney decided to fight for child custody under a recently passed law that allowed non-biological parents to file a paternity suit. And in January of this year, a judge ruled in their favor that a woman was entitled to the same rights as a man to file for paternity of a child. The decision is a significant victory for same-sex parents because it allows non-biological parents to fight for custody if they have a history of parenting.As a result of the decision, both parents of the two girls agreed to share custody of their two children. The woman who filed the case still lives in Colorado with her daughter while the other half of their family lives in Norway, where the woman's ex is from. The Colorado woman and her daughter have visited Norway several times since the court decision, and the children still consider both women to be their parents. Although it's still a long-distance relationship between the daughters and one of their mothers, at least the arrangement is on mutual terms.
This case has opened the door for other same-sex parents to seek custody of their non-biological children. Regardless of your views on same-sex unions, most would agree that a parent's love for a child doesn't end when the couple goes their separate ways.
Source: ABC News, "Colorado Lesbian Wendy Alfredsen Mom Granted Paternity in Custody Battle," Colleen Curry, May 4, 2012
]]>Colorado is an equitable distribution state, which means that typically, a judge decides how to split a couple's property in a way that's fair, rather than just splitting it all right down the middle. But if two spouses agree to it, an auction can be a great way to say goodbye to their old trappings and start anew. They present their belongings to an auction organizer who sells it off for them. Then the couple pays a portion of the proceeds to the organizer and divides the rest in two.
]]> Often divorcing spouses are advised to make a list of all their possessions and go down the list to decide what they want. Occasionally, though, divorce auctions are ordered by a judge who got tired of hearing a couple arguing over the items on the list. Spouses will sometimes attend the auction and bid for the possessions themselves.Auctions have increased in popularity over the last few years, in part due to programs such as "Antiques Roadshow" and cable TV's "Storage Wars." And the back story of an auction resulting from a failed marriage doesn't seem to deter attendees from scooping up deals.
Even though divorce auctions are far from common these days -- they seem to increase with the divorce rate -- they're far from your only choice when it comes to splitting up the furniture, the house and everything else. To get help deciding the best option for you, a consultation with a family law attorney is a good first step.
Source: TimesCall.com, "Some divorcing couples auction everything off and divide the cash," Aimee Heckel, April 28, 2012
]]>Divorced women have been working on achieving this balance for years, and have managed to gain significant ground in the workforce. But they've had to make career sacrifices to spend more quality time with their children, including settling for jobs with low pay and flexible hours, and putting their professional dreams and careers second. It appears many single fathers are now struggling to deal with the balance of career and kids.
]]> One of the reasons could be that some men do not want to ask for assistance or talk about parenting challenges seriously with anyone around them, including co-workers and other peers. Because they feel uncomfortable speaking about it, they become stuck in the situation.However, some men have taken to rely on their parents and other family members to help them find more harmony. Especially for single men who travel constantly for work, grandparents can come in handy in immediate situations.
Some men are doing what women have done in the past -- taking careers that demand less of their time. One father who shares custody of his 14-year-old and 12-year-old said he wishes he would have chosen a job that affords him the opportunity to spend more time with his children. Since he is an executive for a health information technology firm, he finds it difficult to balance everything and see others surpassing him in the field.
However, the father said his children are more important to him, and he's willing to make career sacrifices to see them on a regular basis for their benefit.
Source: Fins Finance, "Men on the Mommy Track," Damian Ghigliotty, May 2, 2012
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Senate Bill 0002's passage last Wednesday is significant not just for its proposed changes to family law, but for its support by Senate Republicans. Last year the bill was defeated by one vote in a Republican-controlled House committee; opponents of the bill feared it would pass a full chamber vote and therefore fought to keep it off the House floor.
]]> This year, however, Senate Republicans are speaking out in favor of the bill, saying it would bolster the conservative principles of limited government and individual liberty. One Republican senator speaking in favor of the bill last week called civil unions a mainstream idea for the party and a core conservative principle, "and that is that the less intrusion into personal lives and personal liberty, the better."The rights outlined in SB2 include:
· Financial protections for ownership of real and personal property
· The ability to be a proxy or surrogate decision maker on medical issues
· The ability to act as a conservator or guardian for the partner
· Beneficiary status under the partner's life and health insurance benefits
· Inheriting through intestate succession if the partner dies
· The right to visit the partner in a hospital or nursing home
· Standing to sue for wrongful death of the partner
· The ability to make decisions about the partner's last remains.
Some of these rights are already given to same-sex couples, but not without added costs and extra legal hurdles. For instance, the adoption process can cost thousands of dollars in court costs for same-sex couples, who also are required to undergo a home study; these are expenses and procedures straight couples aren't subject to.
The bill now advances to the House Judiciary Committee, which is still Republican-controlled. Will it pass this time? With more support from Republicans, it just might.
Source: The Colorado Independent, "Sen. Spence makes conservative case for Colorado civil unions bill," John Tomasic, April 26, 2012
]]>Cohabiting has exploded in the United States in the last five decades, marked by a 1,500 percent spike during that timeframe. Data showed that around 450,000 unmarried couples opted to live together before marrying in 1960. That number sits at 7.5 million today. A lot of this trend has to do with the changing romantic lifestyles of Americans during this time. A sexual revolution and wide availability of birth control have facilitated this arrangement with little social scorn. However, some couples shack up because it's economical -- both sides contribute to paying bills.
]]> Couples in their 20s comprise the main demographic contributing to this trend. A number of men and women who fall into this group said in a nationwide survey that they would only marry a partner if that person agreed to live with them first. This study was conducted by the National Marriage Project in 2001.While this might be the case, it did not necessarily lead to happier marriages. Couples who opted to cohabit proved to be less satisfied with their marriages. In fact, they were even more likely to face divorce than those who did not live together.
Some experts said that if a couple was open to cohabiting, they had non-traditional views on marriage and therefore were more open to a divorce. This notion was later shot down as experts further investigated the trend.
More couples cohabit simply because it is convenient. Many like the fact they can spend a lot of time with their partner but not be "tied down." Regardless of whether you choose to live with your mate indefinitely or get married without moving in first, what's most important in any relationship is that you're honest with yourself and your partner about your level of commitment.
Source: The New York Times, "The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage," Meg Jay, April 14, 2012
]]>The QDRO is a court-issued judgment that allows the retirement funds of one spouse to be awarded to another and stipulates who should receive money from a retirement or pension plan, and how much. QDROs can provide a means of paying for child or spousal support when the spouse who has been ordered to pay doesn't have liquid funds to do so. And unlike most other withdrawals from these accounts before the plan holder reaches retirement age, there's no penalty for receiving money from 401(k)s, pensions or Roth IRAs under a QDRO order.
]]> QDROs don't work with all retirement accounts. They aren't available for government or military retirement plans -- something for Colorado military spouses to keep in mind. That's because these accounts don't fall under the 1974 Employment Retirement Income Security Act, the law that sets the structure for most other retirement plans. It's often possible to divide these accounts, but not through a QDRO.Once you're ready to start your divorce proceedings, you can obtain QDRO forms from your retirement plan administrator and even fill them out yourself. But because there are several legal requirements for what the form must include, you may want to consult your divorce attorney and make sure your QDRO contains everything you need it to.
A QDRO can seem confusing at first, but don't let it scare you. It's another way to ensure that you receive the funds you're entitled to if you've been awarded alimony or child support, and a means of making sure you don't fall into arrears if you're the paying spouse.
Source: Reuters, "What Is a QDRO? How Divorce Affects Retirement," Andrew Chow, April 19, 2012
]]>One of the studies followed 136 married couples who reported being happy in their relationships over the first four years of marriage. The spouses were interviewed separately over the course of a decade about their marriage satisfaction, level of commitment, problem-solving abilities, personality traits and other factors.
]]> The couples who eventually divorced in the following 10 years expressed as much satisfaction and happiness as the still-married people in the beginning. The differences were most stark when it came to communication; the divorced couples were more likely to use blame and invalidation, and to discourage each other from expressing feelings. "Inappropriate pessimism" was another factor for at least one of the spouses among the divorced couples.The second study, performed by researchers at the University of Denver, looked at the connection between married people's levels of satisfaction in their lives and their marriages. The researchers found that being satisfied in general increases the chances for a happy marriage, and having a happy marriage boosted the odds of being more satisfied with life in general.
It could be said, then, that couples who communicate well and support each other have a better chance of not just staying married, but maintaining a high level of satisfaction in their lives. It's no wonder, then, that couples who can't learn to communicate effectively tend to have more complicated divorces. Whether you're happily married or heading into a divorce, communication can make for a much more satisfying experience.
Source: The Atlantic, "What Kinds of Happy Couples Eventually Get Divorced?" April 16, 2012
]]>The child custody battle began before the girl was even born. Her birth mother, no longer in a relationship with the father, traveled from Colorado to Utah in February 2008 to give birth without telling the father. Three days later, she relinquished her parental rights, intending the girl to be adopted by two relatives without telling the father. A Utah judge ruled that the mother had deceived him and the courts with false and misleading information, but allowed the adoption to continue, saying the father hadn't acted in time to protect his custody rights under that state's laws.
]]> But the Utah Supreme Court later ruled that the father was denied a say in the adoption, and last month a judge agreed to dismiss the adoption in the state. A Colorado court will now take over the case and the father's name will be added to the girl's birth certificate. He still has a legal fight against the girl's prospective adoptive parents, who are seeking to terminate his parental rights. But the transfer of the case back to Colorado is the closest the father has come to finally becoming a parent to his daughter, whom he's only been allowed to see briefly since she was born.The father is not alone in his custody fight. In fact, two other Colorado fathers currently contesting their biological children's adoptions came to the most recent hearing to show support for the man in this case. Fathers have gained a lot of ground in the past several years when it comes to child custody cases. If the father in this case is successful, it will represent another win for all unmarried fathers fighting for custody of their children.
Source: The Salt Lake Tribune, "Colorado father's custody fight moves back to his home state," Brooke Adams, March 21, 2012
]]>Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn knows all too well what it's like to struggle with divorce. She and her husband, Thomas Vonn, announced their split in November of last year. Now she's trying to navigate both the emotional and legal fallout. She recently described the divorce negotiations as "a mess," perhaps surprising those who assumed everything came as easily to her as her countless downhill skiing championships.
]]> The couple didn't have a prenuptial agreement, which has made the division of assets and property more difficult. Lindsey and her husband at first tried to work out many of the details themselves, but that effort turned out to be a disaster. Their negotiations broke down and they haven't spoken in about two months.The couple has millions of dollars in assets and property to divide, including Lindsey's competition prize money and earnings from numerous long-term sponsor contracts. Although she now has a divorce attorney, the proceedings haven't been easy. During a trip to Switzerland marked with several race victories, she spent four hours in her hotel room going over divorce papers.
On the flip side, however, Lindsey has said the divorce has been liberating in many respects. No longer spending all her time with her husband (who was also her coach), she's bonded with her teammates in a way she never has before. It also led her to reunite with her father, with whom she hadn't spoken in seven years -- in part because of her relationship with her husband. She says that amid the struggles of her divorce, things are getting better, and it was the right thing to do. "I took responsibility for my life and my happiness," she said, "and I'm a better person for it."
Source: The Denver Post, "For Lindsey Vonn, professional triumph and personal turmoil," Bill Pennington, April 11, 2012
]]>If you and your spouse have had problems with communication and cooperation, trying to get all the tax-relevant information you need from each other could be problematic. But there are ways to avoid the most common pitfalls, not to mention the dreaded IRS audit.
]]> 1. Stop procrastinating. Get to work on asking your spouse for any documentation you might need. Whether you prepare your own forms or hire a tax preparer, you have little time to waste. The sooner you get the paperwork you need, the more time you'll have left over to ask a professional any questions about the process.2. Consider filing separately. There's a big difference between filing as married (joint) and married (filing separately). Many couples file jointly because it tends to be much less expensive, especially if you pay someone else to file your taxes. But if do you file jointly, you'll be held liable for any tax problems your ex has. And while you can change your status to joint later, you can't amend a joint return after it's filed.
3. Decide who will claim Head of Household status. If you have children, by default this status goes to the parent who has custody more than 50 percent of the year. This parent gets the dependency deduction. But you run the risk of an IRS audit if you both claim Head of Household, so be sure to get this squared away, even if you aren't on good terms.
You or your spouse can also agree to "give" the dependency standard deduction to the other, but then that spouse will have to file an extra form, 83-82, and give it to the other spouse every year.
4. Use the same preparer, or file before your spouse does. Having the same person do both of your tax returns can help prevent an audit because he or she can make sure both filings are accurate and compatible. Barring that, file before your spouse does because then it will be up to him or her to react.
Source: Business Insider, "Divorced Couples Are Walking Right Into These Tax Traps," Mandi Woodruff, April 3, 2012
]]>It's impossible to predict whether you'll experience this bias in your own case, but judges tend to look at parents' behavior as a whole when deciding child custody matters. With that in mind, there are some practices fathers would be wise to avoid:
]]> 1. Yelling at your wife: Men are often seen as dominating and more powerful than women, and if there's any risk of a wife telling a judge she's afraid of her husband, he should avoid giving her a reason.2. Moving in with a new partner: Even if you've moved on from the divorce, your children probably haven't. Avoid exposing them to a new girlfriend, which could make your children reluctant to live with you.
3. Criticizing your wife to friends and family: Speaking disparagingly about your soon-to-be ex is a dangerous game, especially to mutual friends who might tell her what you said. Talking smack to your family, especially your children, could be viewed as parental alienation, or an attempt to obstruct the relationship between the kids and their other parent, which will only work against you in court.
4. Not allowing phone contact between the children and their mother: Children should always be allowed to communicate with the other parent, unless it would cause a serious disruption.
5. Leaving the area unexpectedly with your kids: Taking a vacation with your children is fine, provided the other parent knows about it. If there's any way a trip out of town could be construed as a kidnapping, your spouse could file emergency orders that restrict your parenting time.
Some of these precautions may be difficult or seem unfair, but why take any chances? Instead, play it safe as though a judge were in your constant presence. When it comes time to determine child custody, you'll be in better standing if you look and act like a model parent.
Source: The Huffington Post, "Ways To Sabotage Child Custody," Joseph E. Cordell, April 2, 2012
]]>The first step should be a review of your current financial situation. Gather up all those credit card bills, investment statements, tax returns and any other documentation that tells you where your assets and debts stand. Make a list of these two categories and separate them again into those you want to keep and those you're willing to give your spouse. Also make two more lists of your income and expenses.
]]> These lists together will start to shape your outlook and give you an idea of what you can afford on your new income. Your attorney can help you determine what to expect in terms of alimony or child support. From there, you can decide what adjustments you might need to make to your budget.There are some other immediate steps you'll want to take as soon as you begin the divorce process:
1. If you and your spouse shared a credit card and/or checking account, now's the time to apply for a new one. If you're concerned about your spouse going on a spending spree, consider contacting the credit card company and putting a freeze on your account.
2. If you haven't examined your credit in awhile, now's a great time to request a free report.
3. Consider your health care benefits. If you're on your spouse's plan you may be able to stay on it or be eligible for COBRA.
4. Review your estate plans. You may want to change the beneficiary on your life insurance plan from your spouse to a child or other family member.
These details will be your immediate concerns in divorce, but there are a few long-term issues to handle, too. You'll want to ask your attorney about a Qualified Domestic Relations Order, which specifies each spouse's rights to your investments and retirement accounts. From there, you may need to set up investments of your own, either through your employer or a private investment broker.
The divorce process can be overwhelming, but you can manage these important steps by taking them one at a time, seeking advice from your attorney when necessary.
Source: The Miami Herald, "Facing the financial facts of getting a divorce," Andrew Menachem, March 10, 2012
]]>This involves sitting down and attempting to calmly and rationally decide how to proceed in a way that will be less harmful to both individuals in terms of the expenditure of time, money, effort and emotional strain. Litigating everything, an increasing number of couples understand, is often a lengthy, expensive process in which marital assets may get dissipated to no one's benefit.
]]> Collaborative divorce is a path that recognizes that the two individuals themselves know best what is important to them and what goals they view as essential to achieve. This is different from the process of mediation, in which a retired judge or other neutral third party attempts to guide negotiations without offering advice or representing either side of the dispute. Both sides are represented by their own independent lawyer, who uses his or her professional training and experience to guide the process and move it along, while firmly but courteously asserting the best interests of their client.Collaborative divorce often begins with both parties signing a "participation agreement," a contract in which the rules of mediation are set. Central to this agreement is the understanding that neither lawyer will litigate the case. If the negotiations break down and the couple heads to divorce court, the attorneys must withdraw and both parties must hire new counsel. This is called a "disqualification provision" and ensures that the attorneys are in agreement with their clients, and the clients stay motivated to make the proceedings successful. Otherwise, they will have wasted time and money on the process.
Once the participation agreement is signed, the parties are able to discuss what ground rules the couple will establish for their decision-making process, so that everybody is on the same page. Other experts may get involved to offer advice and analysis, but the parties' attorneys can provide this, too.
Collaborative divorce was once met with skepticism, but it's become increasingly popular in recent years. For some couples, it may be the best way to wind through the process of separating their lives harmoniously.
Source: Vail Daily, "Vail Daily column: Collaborative divorce," Rohn K. Robbins, March 20, 2012
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