Yes, that question is being popped by more and more people. Bringing up the subject of how you'll divide your assets if your marriage ends may not seem very romantic, but it's also not as taboo as it once was. Nearly one-third of single Americans said they would ask their significant other for a prenuptial agreement, according to a 2010 poll by Harris Interactive. Another poll of divorce attorneys found that 73 percent had seen an increase in prenups signed from 2005 to 2010, with more women initiating the process.
]]> You may be wondering if you and your mate need a prenup, which we often associate with celebrities who need to protect their fortunes, or any other couple with a wide income gap. People who are getting married in midcareer or for the second time should consider them, too. You both may have built up your own (albeit modest) wealth. People with children from a previous relationship should also look into one, to make sure they're provided for in case of the parent's death. Even very young couples may want to consider a prenup when one partner stands to receive a large inheritance or holds a stake in a family business.An overall benefit of bringing up prenuptial agreements is that you're discussing a topic notorious for ending marriages: family finances. Talking specifically about how you'll divide or pool your money is a conversation too many couples put off until long after they've tied the knot. Those couples whose marriages end over money issues may find themselves wishing they'd popped the prenup question after all.
Source: Reuters, "When Valentines and prenups go together," Kathleen Kingsbury, Feb. 15, 2012
]]>Early on in the process, you'll be required to fill out a financial affidavit that discloses all of your assets, liabilities, income and expenses. Because the figures you put down in your financial affidavit will be used to determine the division of your assets, alimony and child support, it's important to ensure they're accurate.
]]> Although this form is required of all people who divorce, most people estimate how much they have and what they owe. This is risky for a number of reasons. No. 1, it isn't a divorce attorney's job to ensure that the information is accurate. What's more, you'll be required to sign a statement saying it is. But perhaps the most important reason for getting all the numbers right is that any errors you make could have a serious impact on how you fare financially after your divorce.One way to make sure your information is correct is to have a Lifestyle Analysis prepared. This will establish what your standard of living was when you were married, including daily living expenses and the spending habits of both you and your spouse. The analysis might include financial statements, tax returns, recurring expenses, unusual or seasonal expenses, and credit reports. Compiling all this information might sound tedious and stressful, but it could make all the difference in your financial future.
It could also uncover any hidden expenses of your spouse. It's not unusual for a Lifestyle Analysis to reveal that one of the spouses has been spending untold amounts of money on an extramarital affair or concealing extra income the other spouse didn't know about. These revelations can be taken into account in the divorce settlement agreement and any alimony that's ordered.
Who should prepare your Lifestyle Analysis? Your attorney or her paralegal may offer to help you, as might an accountant or financial adviser. But a divorce financial planning expert might be the best equipped to ensure your figures are on the mark because these professionals have expertise in both financial planning and divorce.
Although the process may seem overwhelming at first, it's a crucial step to ensuring that you walk away from your divorce on solid financial ground.
Source: Forbes, "Why a Lifestyle Analysis Is So Critically Important For Divorcing Women," Jeff Landers, Feb. 14, 2012
]]>A survey of divorce lawyers has found that 92 percent think there's been a dramatic increase in the number of cases using evidence taken from cellphones in the past three years. The logic is simple: We can't stop using them. "As smartphones and text messaging become main sources of communication during the course of each day, there will inevitably more and more evidence that an estranged spouse can collect," said the president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
]]> A smartphone can provide multiple sources of communication evidence. You have emails, phone numbers, call histories, GPS and even Internet search histories, all of which an attorney can use to track a cheating spouse's activity. But text messages make up the most frequently used evidence. In fact, 94 percent of the attorney survey's respondents said text message evidence had increased in their cases. The added beauty of this evidence is that texts are typically dashed off with little thought and therefore often reveal a person's true emotions at the time.How do you know if your spouse is using his phone to facilitate an affair? Plenty of us have a hard time separating ourselves from our mobile devices. But if he never lets it out of his sight or becomes unusually protective of it, you might have reason to be suspicious. Is she refusing to share the messages she sends or receives, or let you answer her phone for her? The signs vary from couple to couple, but an abrupt change in normal phone habits and boundaries could mean your spouse has something to hide.
Source: MSNBC, "Divorce lawyers see more phone evidence, especially texts," Athima Chansanchai, Feb. 10, 2012
]]>The reasons are varied, yet common among struggling military marriages: Long-term distance can put any marriage in peril, but changing roles and the effects of war -- including post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injury and long-term exposure to violence and chaos -- can send couples over the edge.
]]> But organizations around the country are now offering retreats to help couples and their children adjust to being back home together. Colorado-based Project Sanctuary, for example, offers Rocky Mountain retreats complete with family cabins, outdoor activities and counseling. The retreats offer families a chance to spend time together without the stress of everyday life and the frustrations of becoming a civilian again."They're getting the tools for marriage, their financial situation and communicating with their spouses. They're connecting and re-engaging," said a counselor for Project Sanctuary. "The family is going to struggle more, but it's a space to connect, to function as a family for a week."
The retreats can also provide hope to service members who are struggling to adjust to a new way of life that might include young children they barely know or a physical disability. Families are given plenty of time to get reacquainted and play together, and many retreats' activities cater specifically to disabled veterans who haven't had many opportunities since returning home to feel confident and capable.
Of course, not every marriage can be saved. Some couples end up divorcing anyway, despite counseling and retreats. And the retreats are just the start of a long mission to make relationships work again. But for those desperately looking for a way to reconnect, some time away to focus on each other can make all the difference.
Source: MSNBC, "Marriage retreats combat high rate of military divorce," Jasmin Aline Persch, Feb. 7, 2012
]]>1. My children don't realize what's happening between us. Even if you're careful about not fighting in front of the kids, they know what's going on. You make more of an impression on your children through your actions than your words, and kids learn how to act by mirroring what their parents do. If you can remember that it's not just what you say but how you say it, less of your own stress, anger and frustration will rub off on them.
]]> 2. They know that this isn't about them. The younger a child is, the less conscious they are of the fact that the world doesn't revolve around them. Not to be confused with conceit, this perception is natural for infants and preschool-aged children. But it means that your young children can't correctly interpret the direction of your words and actions and they may very well assume that they caused your separation. As children get older, their perceptions change. Elementary school children may feel isolated, while adolescents and teenagers worry what their friends will think.Kids can carry these impressions for so long that their own relationships may be impeded years down the road. It's important for parents to take this burden off their shoulders by clarifying the divorce isn't their fault or their problem, with whatever message is appropriate for their age.
3. The kids will be just fine. OK, they might be. But don't assume it won't take some work on your part. Children tend to manage divorce better when their parents make significant efforts to reduce conflict before, during and after the separation. Divorce education classes can teach parents how to conduct their lives with less conflict, and other resources abound. Your kids may do just fine, but only if you put in the effort.
Source: The Huffington Post, "The Kids Will Be Just Fine And Other Divorce Myths," Claire N. Barnes, Feb. 3, 2012
]]>But when it comes to parents who aren't married, fathers may be in more of a bind. A Colorado father has only seen his daughter once in four years because her birth mother decided to allow the child to be adopted by her brother and sister-in-law in Utah. As soon as he discovered this, he filed a paternity notice with the state, but "for some reason Utah courts ignored the legal orders from Colorado, which is why the custody issue is still being determined," he said.
]]> Fortunately for the father, a Utah legislator has introduced a bill designed to prevent an unmarried woman from coming to the state to give birth and pursue adoption without informing the biological father. It would require pregnant women to give notice by mail or publication to out-of-state unmarried fathers if they plan to give birth and put up the child for adoption in Utah. The father would then have 30 days to act once he receives the notice before the mother gives consent to an adoption or relinquishes the baby.The bill also simplifies the process unwed fathers must follow to protect their paternity rights. They would no longer be required to initiate a court action before filing a notice of intent to claim paternity with the state registry. After filing that notice, a father would have an additional 30 days to begin a court paternity action and file other declarations about his interest in assuming custody. If he doesn't respond within 30 days, it's assumed he consents to the adoption, if that's what the mother chooses.
Under current Utah law, once a birth mother consents to adoption or relinquishes her child, that decision can't be revoked. The new law would give a mother 30 days to revoke the decision if the biological father successfully asserts his paternal rights.
The law would be a tremendous win for unmarried fathers who have a steadfast interest in raising their children. At least one Colorado father hopes its passage will allow him to finally build a life with his daughter.
Source: The Salt Lake Tribune, "Utah adoption bill aims to give unwed fathers more protections," Brooke Adams, Jan. 27, 2012
]]>Here are nine steps to take in preparation for the proceedings:
]]> 1. Get your paperwork in order. When it's time to divide your assets, you'll be better off if you can identify all of them. Documents you should have include banking, brokerage and securities account records, tax records (both pre- and post marriage), retirement plans for both you and your spouse, insurance policies, mortgage or lease documents, living will and power of attorney cards, credit card records, marriage and birth certificates and your prenuptial agreement, if you have one.2. Establish credit card and banking accounts in your name only.
3. Consider a joint or escrow account for interim family expenses. You may need an interim system for paying your bills until your divorce is finalized and all money issues are resolved.
4. Get professional help. An experienced family law attorney can be a big help in your settlement. If money is an issue, remember that you may be able to roll any fees relating to the divorce into your settlement.
5. Establish child support.
6. Resolve how college tuition will be paid. Don't allow your unwillingness to discuss this with your spouse stop you from trying to resolve it. If you have children, you'll need to have the conversation -- for their sake and yours.
7. Negotiate health care coverage for you and your children. Most states have laws allowing or requiring the court to order the parent with health insurance access to maintain it for their children, who are typically covered until they reach age 18. You may also be able to factor this into the child support award.
8. Calculate the long-term costs of keeping the house. Your home may not be as affordable on one income, and refinancing has become increasingly difficult. Decide now whether you really still want to keep your home and pay for it.
9. Negotiate for retirement benefits. Here's another matter where a professional can help. Get an appraisal of your retirement assets to ensure an equitable division or replacement value.
Source: The Huffington Post, "We're Getting A Divorce, Now What?" Linda Descano, Feb. 1, 2012
]]>Children of any age don't have to understand the complexities of your breakup to be hurt by it, both in the short term and years later. That's because they're affected not just by the divorce itself, but by your reactions to it as a parent. Your behavior in any situation rubs off on your children, no matter how young they are.
]]> If you and your spouse are constantly yelling and tense around each other, your baby may be fussier and cry more often. Babies will often imitate their parents' emotions. If your divorce has left you feeling depressed and too distracted to pay attention to his needs, your baby may become depressed, too. Signs of this may include sluggish behavior, disinterest in playing and a lack of appetite. Babies feeding off their parents' depression may also lose weight, be clingier, show little to no interest in other people and develop more slowly. They may even regress, losing skills they've already mastered.The good news is that the downturn is reversible. Sometimes just getting through the divorce and transitioning to a happier, more peaceful household without fighting can make all the difference. As you and your ex move forward in your separate lives, it's important to work out a custody agreement that will give both of you time with your baby, provided there aren't circumstances that make it dangerous (a problem with domestic violence, for example). Because babies don't have much long-term memory to go on, long periods of separation from one parent could lead to your baby forgetting who that parent is. If possible, make sure both of you maintain a bond with your little one. That means spending quality time when you're together: cuddling, reading, playing and whatever else you normally do.
Babies also benefit greatly from routines, just as older children do. Sleeping and feeding schedules should be kept as consistent as possible. It's not as easy when you're trading off from one parent to the other, but your baby will feel the benefits -- now and in the long term.
Source: Seattle Times, "Ask Mr. Dad: Don't divorce your baby," Armin Brott, Jan. 19, 2012
]]>Is any relationship immune to the constant tug of war between a nagging spouse and the one who never seems to listen? Perhaps not, but by examining why it happens, couples may be able to get beyond this classic marriage rut, which can lead to lead to a complete communication breakdown and even divorce if it goes too far.
]]> Nagging happens when one person isn't getting what she wants, and therefore feels the need to keep asking. The person being asked gets tired of the repetition, and begins to withhold. That distance prompts more nagging, and thus begins a vicious circle. Although husbands have been known to nag their wives, it's usually the other way around, experts say, because women tend to feel more responsible for managing the household and family. They also tend to be more sensitive to problems in a relationship, and when they ask for something and don't get a response, they may sense something is wrong and begin questioning their husbands repeatedly about it. That can cause men to tune out even more, to avoid feeling like they're being scolded or picked on.And that's where the danger lies. Once couples start fighting about fighting instead of the root cause, things can quickly devolve, according to a professor of psychology at the University of Denver who has researched relationship communication and offered couples counseling. He says that couples who don't learn to lessen the nagging and other negative communication often fall out of love and split up.
So what can you do to stop the nagging and improve communication? Here are some tips:
• Calm down. Recognize the bad pattern and discuss how you can both change your behavior.
• Consider your spouse's perspective.
• If you're the nagger, realize you're asking for something. It's almost a cliché, but using "I" statements really can help: "I would really like you to wash the dishes" beats "You never clean the kitchen."
• Explain why your request is important to you and set a time frame.
• If you're the nagee, give a clear response to the request.
• Consider alternatives. A handyman won't answer you with a "yes, dear." And he'll get the job done.
Source: Wall Street Journal, "Meet the Marriage Killer," Elizabeth Bernstein, Jan. 25, 2012
]]>In mediation, couples meet with a third party to work out the details of their divorce instead of hiring individual lawyers or leaving the decisions to a judge. These decisions might include the distribution of assets and property, child support, child custody and spousal support.
]]> Many couples use a mediator as a means to save money and avoid going further into debt, since the cost of mediation tends to be lower than the average court-litigated divorce. The mediator works with both spouses on brainstorming, helping them work through arguments and offering a reality check to those who haven't thought about their financial future beyond the divorce. The negotiating can be done in as many sessions as the couple needs, though the cost goes up the more sessions are required. Another advantage is mediation's confidentiality. Divorce court is public domain, while mediation sessions are between you, your spouse and the mediator.Statistics suggest that as the economy continues to lag, more Coloradans are working out the details of their divorce on their own. Separation agreements, which are typically drafted by a couple without a lawyer, rose by 12 percent last year, according to the Colorado Judicial Branch.
While mediation can be a good option for couples with minimal animosity, it's not for everyone. Although a mediator can help sort out disagreements and help a couple come up with solutions, he or she is by definition and necessity a neutral party and can't offer advice or advocate for either spouse. The mediator also can't work with a couple unless both parties agree to it. In that case, it may be better for them to each seek out a family law attorney who can serve their own best interests.
Source: Denver Post, "Mediation in divorce on the rise," David Migoya, Jan. 23, 2012
]]>1. Income-related enforcement: If you're behind on making child support payments, CSE could arrange to have current and past-due payments garnished from your paycheck. If you've just gotten a new job, your employer is required to notify the state that you've been hired. This is one way CSE tracks down parents who fail to make payments on their own. If you don't have a job, the payments may be deducted from your unemployment or workers' compensation benefits.
]]> 2. Suspensions and denials: The state has the authority to suspend your driver's license if you haven't been paying child support. If that happens, you'll need to obtain a Notice of Compliance and meet the Division of Motor Vehicles' requirements in order to get your license reinstated. This also extends to other licenses you might hold, such as a professional or occupational license, or even the recreational license you need for hunting and fishing. Even your passport request could be denied if you fail to make payments.3. Intercepts: These are blockades to tax refunds or other payments that are owed to you by the government. You may be denied your federal or state tax refund if you have a past-due child support balance, whether or not you're making payments. The same holds true of state vendor payments. If you're in a contract with the state to provide goods or services for a fee, the state can withhold those fees and apply them to your child support balance. Did you get lucky with a scratch-off lottery ticket recently? The state may use your winnings to pay what you owe your child's other parent. The same goes for gambling winnings and unclaimed property.
4. Judicial actions: Don't forget that you can still be taken to court for lack of payment. CSE could issue a judgment, put a lien on your property, or charge you with a misdemeanor or felony resulting in fines or jail time.
These actions are taken regularly and can have far-reaching consequences. If you need to request a modification of your payments, an experienced family law attorney may be able to help.
Source: Colorado Department of Human Services, "Enforcement Remedies"
]]>But the Colorado Court of Appeals has put some power into small hands by ruling that social workers can be held responsible for failing to protect children from abuse, and cannot be shielded by the state government's immunity law in cases where they acted recklessly.
]]> The ruling results from a case involving three siblings who had a history of incest. The siblings said social workers failed to protect them from abuse that was going on, first in their mother's home and later in foster care. They also charged that workers deceived the siblings' adoptive parents about the extent of the problems. The parents lost a lawsuit claiming that the stress of the children's problems led to the end of the couple's marriage. The appellate court expressed shock that a social worker supported the adoption, yet hadn't prepared the adoptive parents to address the emotional needs of the children, and therefore put the children at greater risk of harm.The decision is the second such ruling this month. In an earlier case, a federal judge ruled that social workers in Denver were not immune to being sued for the starving death of a 7-year-old boy by his foster parents in May 2007. The judge said the boy's neglect was "conscious shocking," especially considering that a teacher's aide filed an abuse complaint a month before his death that was not fully investigated.
Children have the expectation and the right to be protected by the adults who are charged with caring for them. Those adults who actively neglect that responsibility can no longer expect to be held immune from lawsuits or punishment.
Source: Insurance Journal, "Colorado Court Says Children Can Sue County Over Abuse," Associated Press, Jan. 9, 2012
]]>The measure would have required couples seeking a divorce to complete six hours of class instruction on how divorce affects children, along with an eight-month waiting period. The bill only applied to parents of underage children and provided some exceptions, such as in cases of sexual abuse.
]]> But the senator conceded that in his 10 years in office, no other bill has generated more responses, presumably negative ones. He said he realized trying to get the bill passed under such strong opposition would take more time and deliberation than the legislative session would allow.The bill isn't the first the senator has proposed with the understanding it wasn't likely to pass. He said sometimes the debate over highly controversial bills can change opinions and bring positive change. But it's also not the first time a bill like this has been floated to the state Senate. About 10 years ago another Republican senator proposed a similar bill, but it was killed by fellow party members.
The senator maintains, however, that he remains committed to looking for ways to address the problem of divorce. When he introduced the measure, he said it was simply too easy for people to quickly bail out of a marriage before giving it a fighting chance. Whether or not that's true, many who opposed the measure said it's not the job of a government agency to decide whether a couple should divorce or stay together.
Source: Denver Post, "Colorado state Sen. Lundberg nixes proposal to delay divorces amid 'extraordinary' feedback," Lynn Bartels, Jan. 7, 2012
]]>Common law marriage is recognized in Colorado, eight other states and Washington, D.C. Seven more states recognize it for certain limited purposes. Although every jurisdiction has slightly varying rules, common law marriage is generally established by the following conditions:
1. A couple lives together for an extended period of time.
2. They hold themselves in a public manner as a married couple.
3. They demonstrate an intention to be married.
]]> For at least one member of the couple to assert their partnership as a common law marriage, they may be asked to prove that:1. They filed joint income tax returns.
2. They openly held themselves out to be husband and wife in their social interactions.
3. They maintained joint banking and/or credit card accounts or purchased property in joint names.
4. One of the two parties named the other as their spouse on insurance policies or a pension.
The legal ramifications of this union tend to be most significant when the couple splits up and one party seeks alimony or property that they wouldn't be eligible for unless they were married. In some cases a third party will try to establish a common law marriage exists between two people. For example, an ex-husband might try to end his alimony payments by establishing that his ex-wife is common-law married to a man she's living with. It can also be used to invoke spousal privilege, such as in a court case where someone wants to block his partner's testimony.
Common law isn't easily proved, but once it is, there's no legal difference between it and a marriage established with a ceremony. And that's something that couples looking to combine furniture and rent expenses should consider.
Source: Huffington Post, "When Does Cohabitation Become A Common Law Marriage?" Edra J. Pollin, Jan. 5, 2011
]]>Here are a few tips to help you prevent your divorce from turning into a financial disaster:
]]> 1. Separate your bank accounts. If you have a joint account, you'll want to close it after separating the money in half. Put those funds in an account with your name. If you don't have your own checking account, now's the time to open one.2. Protect your credit. Here are some more accounts to separate, and fast. The last thing you want is to have to pay for a vindictive spending spree, or items your spouse charged to give to someone else. It pays to keep a close eye not just on your statement, but on your credit report. Consider obtaining copies from the three reporting agencies (Equifax, Experian and Transunion) and go over them carefully, noting any creditors you and your spouse share. It's also a good idea to talk with your spouse about the debt you share. If you have a credit card or other debt in both of your names, you'll need to either pay it off or one of you will have to reapply and refinance it under one name.
3. Check your insurance coverage. If you're both under the same policies, you and your soon-to-be ex need to get one name off each policy and set up new policies -- for home, car and health insurance. You don't want to risk going without coverage in the event that your spouse decides to take your name off a policy without telling you. If you take your spouse's name off a policy, you should let him or her know.
4. Don't forget taxes. Divorce can throw all sorts of fun payments into the mix, such as alimony and child support. Your status will change back to single the year in which you divorced. These changes can make for complicated tax adjustments; it might be a good idea to hire a professional to make sure it's done right.
Source: MoneyTalksNews, "4 Steps to Take as Soon as You Say 'I Don't'," Angela Colley, Jan. 4, 2012
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